Absolutely Fabulous
by piratehannelore
Summary: One of the Cullens has a dirty, little secret. One that involves drunk brits, crude humor, with a dash of Carla-Carlisle and Chuck Norris. BxE May continue if readers want it. Its all for you afterall! :D Edited for greater laughs!


**So I was wondering…what if one of the Cullen's had an obsession with Absolutely Fabulous. What if it was a secret? What if they were caught? Fluffy goodness for all. One-shot, maybe more if you want more.**

**I have not the ownage of Twilight, AbFab, or Torchwood…Although any Cullen man and Captain Jack Harkness….let the sexy times commence! Enjoy the fluffy goodness!**

The white mansion I called home was quiet…too quiet.

I parked the truck, fully expecting Alice to fly out the back door with wedding plans and fabric swatches. Or Emmett wanting a silly question answered. Seriously, did the man…no…boy…no…man-child, YES! Did the man-child expect me to compare the taste of anchovies and oysters? I wonder about him sometimes.

As I silently opened the back door I found a note clipped to the message board. I instantly recognized Esme's elegant script.

_I swear, everyone has amazing penmanship. Is it a vampire thing?_

_**Bella**_

_**Everyone has gone hunting. Alice had a vision, saying it would be worth it for us all to go. You know Alice. Pasta is in the fridge if you like. We will see you when we get home. –Esme**_

Mike had mentioned Chuck Norris at work today. He had said, 'Chuck Norris doesn't believe in evolution. Chuck Norris decides which animals live or die.' I couldn't help my laughter. Chuck Norris has nothing on my family. If Mike only knew. I think the Cullen's have more say over that than good ol' Chuck.

I couldn't help the ear to ear grin breaking across my face at the sight of Esme's note. She had suffered the stench of human food and made me pasta before they left. I love Esme.

But, no matter how much I love my fiancée's mother, I was far too tired to eat. I had finished my last shift at Newton's and I was ready for a nap. Especially with Alice and her wicked wedding plans. With that thought I slowly made my way up the two flights of stairs to Edward's, sorry, our room.

Although, as I reached the top stair, I heard a muffled laugh and voices from the end of the hall.

_Who's in Edward's room?_

_Scratch that, who's in our room?_

Slowly I crept closer, listening for any signs of who was occupying the room I refer to as Heaven. I heard two female voices, both with distinct English accents.

_Unless Carlisle's on some new hormone therapy with plans of visiting Thailand and returning a Carla, no one should be here with a British accent._

The thought of Carlisle attempting a sex change nearly had me rolling on the floor in a silent fit. But, curiosity won out and I decided to save the laughs for later. Preferable while I'm at home, alone, without vampires wondering if I've lost my mind as I laugh to myself before passing out from lack of oxygen.

I was at the door and I gently placed my ear against the cool wood. I could see the door wasn't latched completely. Whoever was in there was chuckling to themselves' quietly. Again I heard the two women's voices.

"And, if you try anything like this again…I will kill YOU!" A deep, evil sounding bass bellowed.

This was followed by a booming laugh that would make Emmett proud.

_What. The. FUCK?!_

Slowly, I pushed the door open. The occupant of my, sorry again, our bedroom was facing away from me in the dark. The only light in the room was emitted from the bluish glow of a computer screen. Maybe Edward's right. I truly have no sense of self-preservation. I don't know what the hell is in this room and I'm sneaking up on the mystery intruder. Who broke into a house occupied by vampires. Cute vampires…sexy even, as long as they had bronze hair and gold eyes. But vampires non the less.

_Why are they watching youtube videos in my-ugh!-our room? _

_Who the-?_

Obviously they didn't hear me, due to their own preoccupation. Whoever it was clicked another video and bad techno music started. I could see the screen over their shoulder and Jennifer Saunders popped up.

She threw her head back and shouted, "I AM THIN AND GORGEOUS!"

_Again. _

_What. The. FUUUUCK?!_

_Why is someone watching Absolutely Fabulous videos on Edward's computer? I've seen AbFab before and it's hilarious…not that I'd admit it to anyone. But still, come on._

Another booming laugh emitted from the mystery person sitting before the computer screen. The video flashed in white and I was able to make out the outline of the intruder.

Pale skin.

_Oh crap….Emmett?_

Broad shoulders.

_I can't take a vampire on my own… I need Chuck Norris._

Tall, lanky build.

_Where's Chuck freakin' Norris when you need him?_

Definitely a Vampire.

_I'm screwed, uh-huh. Because, even if they're in my family, this has got to be a guilty pleasure. Maybe it's Emmett. Maybe…ooooh, blackmail! No more, 'What's better Bella! Squid rice balls or snails?' Sweet!_

Bronze hair.

_Bronze hair!?_

"What the fuck!?" I said as I flipped the light switch.

Edward had the computer off and was at my side in a second flat. I stared up at him. His face was a mask of stoic indifference. His eyes though. Aha!

"Edward?"

"Bella love, where did you learn such colorful language?" he asked, staring at me intensely.

_No, must resist eyes of hotness!_

"Fuck." I said, a smirk playing on my lips. Edward's eyes widened minutely. Pretty neat trick, shocking my vampire fiancée. I switched my gaze to anywhere but those endless pools of butterscotch gold. "Edward, why aren't you out hunting with everyone else?"

I slinked around his side and made my way to the bed. I sat down, scooting to the center, against the headboard. I watched Edward as he turned and stared at me.

"I came home early, love. Did you not want me here? I was hoping to spend some time with you, alone." Edward's voice dropped an octave lower.

_Two can play this game._

"Really? Are you sure you wanted to spend time with-" I flicked my eyes towards the now silent laptop, "me?"

"Love, I want to spend every moment of eternity with you." Edward crawled up the bed, pulling me on his lap. I breathed in his scent, my eyes fluttering closed at the nearness of my Edward.

_What was I going to say?.... Must concentrate!_

"Hmmm..." I murmured. I avoided Edward's gaze, attempting to keep my wits about me. I just learned something new about my beloved Edward. Something I obviously wasn't meant to know.

_Ah yeah! I've got blackmail material! Hells yeah!_

"Bella, love." Edward whispered in my hair. He began to trail feather light kisses down one side of my neck and up the other.

"So, you like AbFab?" I blurted. He wasn't getting out of this that easily.

Edward stiffened minutely, before continuing his heavenly assault on my skin.

"You're absolutely absurd," he murmured against my throat. His hands were trailing a burning path against my sides, trailing lower and lower to the hem of my shirt.

_Damn him and his sexiness. This is when I could use Chuck Norris –like self-control. Damn you Chuck Norris._

Edward flipped us. I was sitting against the headboard, Edward straddling my thighs. He chuckled against the base of my throat, where he was paying acute attention to my collarbone.

"Why are you damning Chuck Norris?"

_He-but-I-…I said that out loud!_

"Yes love. And that too."

_Fuuuuck…again._

"N-no reason Edward." I stuttered. My breath hitched as his gloriously icy hands slipped beneath my shirt.

_O.M.F….Even my thoughts are incoherent. I've been reduced to letters._

"Mmmm," was the mumbled reply as Edward trailed kisses down my chest to the swells of my breasts, stopping at the top of my navy lace bra. Alice had insisted I wear- ah Alice. No wonder.

Edward and I had been pushing our boundaries. After all, how well would it go if on our Wedding night Edward had _no idea_ how either of us would react to being so close.

"I just had no idea you enjoyed the comedic styling of Jennifer Saunders." Again, Edward froze for a moment before continuing his assault on my flesh. More urgently now.

_You. Will. Not. Win._

_I will FIGHT IT!_

"Love, what are you talking about?" Edward peered up at me through his thick lashes, his eyes holding lust and amusement.

"You, trying to avoid the subject at hand. Using carnal pleasure to distract me from the fact that I caught you watching one of the crudest, albeit funniest shows ever made. They stand for everything you believe to be crass and beneath you. And you were laughing like Emmett when Alice made me try Es Cargo!" I stared into Edward's eyes. I wanted him to admit it. Simple as that. My seemingly perfect fiancée finds something so trivial, so _crude_, to be hilarious. It humanized him even more. To me it was proof he was a man. No matter how much he claimed to be a monster.

Edward sighed against my chest. He nuzzled his nose in the valley between my breasts, muttering under his breath. I could make out 'Bella' and 'stubborn'.

"Yes, I'm stubborn." I smirked.

"You really won't let it drop?" he asked, not looking up.

"Not unless you admit it."

He sighed, still not looking up. Edward continued his ministrations to my flesh, pushing my shirt higher as his hands ghosted across my sides to my back, pulling me closer.

"Yes, I enjoy watching _Absolutely Fabulous_. They are quite amusing." He mumbled.

"You are aware that Patsy had a sex change?" I asked, my breath coming out harder and faster.

"Mmmhmmm." Then, I swear, my 108 yr old virgin vampire fiancée actually mumbled what sounded like, 'but it fell off.'

Images of Carlisle and Thailand filled my head. Not exactly what I want to see in the middle of a steamy make out session. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped.

"Ok. Your aware Patsy will kill us all, even if you are a vampire. Nothing can stop that kind of crazy. Emmett's even afraid of her. And Eddie is always calling that one girl Titicaca. You know she went on to play on Torchwood." So Jasper, Mr. Civil War himself, enjoys British sci-fi. Who knew? …Meh.

"Yes, I'm aware." My hands traveled across Edward's muscular back. I slid my hands under the hem of his tight, black t-shirt and pulled up. I raked my nails across his diamond skin, reveling in the feel of him under my hands.

"O-okay," I stuttered again.

_Damn Edward and his vampire hotness again! Screw Chuck Norris. I don't want self-control._

I pulled the shirt over Edward's head, taking in the sight of my sexy vampire. Oh, better than ice cream. I'll take a chilly Edward any day.

"Bella?" Edward murmured my name as a question. I knew what he was asking.

"Not a word," I forced out, focusing on forming a coherent sentence.

I tugged on Edward's bronze locks, pulling him up to my mouth. I had to taste his gorgeous lips. Hard and firm, my lips molded to his in perfect bliss. Edward separated from me just enough to pull my shirt over my head. With another sultry kiss, he pulled back, drinking in the sight of me.

"Absolutely Fabulous," he breathed.

I'm bad.

I'm very bad.

But I'm so good at it.

I couldn't resist.

"Edward." I breathed. I ran my hands along my sides before cupping the sides of my breasts, pushing them together slightly. I threw my head back and hollered.

"I AM THIN AND GORGEOUS!"

**So I could continue with the rest of the family finding out. Or maybe some lemony goodness. This has citrusy moments, but nothing like a good lemon. Let me know.**

**Oh, and the Chuck Norris thing. If you've ever heard of the Chuck Norris phenomenon with our troops then you'll get it. There are a million sayings and I heard one that made me laugh. **

'**Chuck Norris doesn't believe in evolution. Chuck Norris decides which animals live or die.' Reminds me of some certain hunting Cullens. :D (quote found on one of Daddy'slittleCannibal stories. Read them. There great!)**

**So yeah. Yay? Nay? If you review you get your pick of Cullen man (or woman. To quote the Ikea commercial, 'I don't judge.' :D) Captain Jack Harkness, and a jar of chocolate sauce. If you don't review, Aro and Mike will be paying you a visit with the Hoff…Aro and his damn Hasslehoff obsession. Thank Heavens he refuses to change him. Even Aro recognizes that kind of crazy. Cheers!- the mad piratehannelore. ;D**


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